Have you ever been scared? What a silly question, you'll say. Everybody has been scared at some point or the other obviously, you'll think. And you're right. You’ve had your heart beat a hundred and fifty times per second when you went on that roller coaster, you’ve had your hands shake when you got into a fight with that landlord of yours. But you were frightened then. And that is not the same as being scared. You were frightened when you first rode that roller coaster and when you fought with that crazy landlord of yours because during all you those things, you knew you were going to be okay, you knew, as your body was busy pumping adrenaline preparing itself for some improvised martial art that at the end of the day, you’ll still be fine. But have you ever heard your parents argue behind closed doors? Have you ever had to lean against the wall quietly and try to catch words, try to decipher those sounds and see if any of them were about you? Are they talking about me? What did I do wrong this time? That is being scared. Knowing that the only world you know might fall apart any second because of something you did, because of something you said.
I try and be on my best behaviour, you know. They’re family, so obviously, they care about me. But how much can anyone really care about someone who isn’t one’s own? I mean, I cannot possibly expect them to love me as much as their own son. They have a right to expect from me and I have a right, an obligation, to fulfill it. They got me my Atkins for my birthday after all. And I said thanks and I made sure they saw me studying from it. I didn’t say thanks again, though. Should I have said thanks again? I mean, I was slightly pissed they got him an iPad. Okay, I guess it’s fair because he’s like this real sweet sometimes and it’s nice when he does that so maybe he deserves an iPad. I can’t be like that. I mean, I try. But they still fight. And it scares me when this happens, you know? Did they see my browser history? Oh man there was some nasty stuff in it. But you know, I don’t mean any of that. I mean, come on, look at me. I’m a scrawny geek. And, I get tired of this, I really do. I mean, sometimes we’re laughing and things are normal and the next day, the doors are closed and they’re shouting at each other and she’s crying and he’s begging her not to cry... And then she goes away for some days and he’s really grim and doesn’t talk to me and I’m like what am I supposed to do here, man? Put my hand around him and console him? Gosh, I wish I could do that. I really do. You know that day I was really about to. But then he got up from the computer and went inside. And I followed him and I could hear him from the other room - he was trying to call her. And then he was crying. And I felt like shit, I’m sorry for my language. I felt real crappy. And then she came back and things were fine for some days. And things were crappy again. I thought maybe I could just avoid them. Like I would just keep to my business for two more years and then I would go to college and it would be over. That was my plan. And that didn’t work out so well. I know I know things are all right now but they're going to get worse, they always do. So this is like the only option left. I don’t want to make people unhappy. I know I can be insensitive sometimes. But I try and avoid it when I can, you know. I‘m not doing this in my room because I know there would be a mess later and they would freak out.
The pit behind the primary school is like an ideal place because literally nobody goes there. For one, it smells awful. Some people used to dump all the garbage there for a while and the school complained of the stink. Now they’ve stopped but it still stinks. And they’ve dug like deep holes in there for some reason and it’s been there for ever and it’s not safe for the kids and all. So all I’m going to do is take one of those gunny bags lying there and put a lot of soil on that and drag it near the hole. Okay, you know what, I think it’ll be easier if I keep the gunny bag near the hole first and then put all the soil on that. Okay. And now I’m going to tie a corner of the gunny bag to a rope and get down inside the hole. Oh, sorry, I forgot, I’m going to tie the other end to my neck because the head’s going to go down the most and it’s going to pull the rope the most, get it? And when I pull the trigger and fall, it’s going to pull on the rope which is going to pull the gunny bag and all the soil’s going to fall down on me along with the gunny bag. And I won’t feel a thing, because you know… So they won’t be able to see me, at least from the outside. He’ll be angry his semi-automatic's missing. He’s going to turn all white I know that. But they issue like another thing if it gets stolen and all, right? I took his headphones once and he got real angry. And once, I wore his socks to school even though I had my own because I was feeling really edgy that day and I wanted to do something mean. And when I came back, I folded them and kept them back in his drawer without washing. Man! Wasn’t that fun? You know, that is what I feel sad about, those good moments. One more time, there was nobody in home when I came and I watched TV all night. I was feeling sleepy but I kept myself awake just because I could. The next day I had a massive headache. But that was fun too. But all that has to stop now. It's time for the final act! That's what they say, right?
- Lot of soil on the gunny bag – check.
- One end of rope tied to gunny bag – check.
- Other end tied tightly around the neck – che… Okay, I need to loosen this up a bit. Okay, all right now. Noose – Check.
- Muzzle in the mouth – FOOAYKH.
- Deep breath.
Dammit, forgot to turn the safety off.
Safety off – FOAAY.
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